The October Music: Fourth Verse - Day 9

Everybody Wants My Name

Even from outside, the room is stifling. Deafening. Crowded full of humanity and ego and desperation. Crabs in a bucket aching for a chance to touch greatness. Slimy, scummy, two-faced traders of favors and begging. I hate them all, but they are my people. I hate them all, but this is where I have to be. Finishing the double of vodka I have in my hand and tossing the glass aside, I contort my face into the plastic grin expected of me, all teeth and nothing in the eyes, and walk in. 

The flood of people nearly crushes me and yet I force myself to hold the smile. Hands and voices and demands and requests wash over me like a wave. An interview here, a picture there, will I take a selfie, will I sign an autograph, what am I doing next, who am I dating, who represents me, how does it feel…and on and on and on. Tears form in the corner of my eyes as I maintain the smile to the point of pain. I cannot stop, though. If I drop the mask for a single second, the crowd will vanish and I will be back to nothing. I will not go back. 

There is a presence next to me now, a surge of calm in the midst of the storm. Someone gently takes my arm and guides me through the mass of people to a quiet corner of the room. She pulls a chair out and asks me to sit and relax. Take a breath. Let my face drop. I do all those things and exhaustion leaks out of my mouth with a groan. I tell her thank you and look at her for the first time.

She is ethereal. Beautiful beyond measure. Hair like strands of gold, eyes deep and ocean blue, and a smile that could crack the stone around the heart of even the most jaded man. She introduces herself as a representative of the Wylde Agency. She tells me she can see that I’m tired. She knows that I am on the verge of burning out, but also that I cannot stop moving, like a shark who needs to swim to breathe. 

She tells me she can help make it all disappear and I can be free. It is tempting. I hear chants behind me and shudder. I need the break. I nod and she takes out a tape recorder and asks me my name. I tell her and she smiles. Something cold and black is extracted from inside me and I shake my head. There is nobody around now. I am alone, save for the woman. 

I go up to her and ask what’s happening. She looks confused and doesn’t know who I am. I try to introduce myself but I can’t. I just can’t. She says her name is Faye and she’s sorry, but I have to leave. 

I am outside now and I know nothing.

​I don’t even know myself.